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| She used to be a girly girl - not so much anymore. (Summer 2007) |
Ariana. Better know as "Ari," "Air," "Ana," "Bella," and perhaps most fitting; "The Informer." Seldom does she get called by 'Ariana' unless she is in trouble - which is actually more often than you'd think.
Air is 8 years old. She is in the 3rd grade. She's a beautiful girl, hence the nickname "Bella" that I gave her when she was just a feisty little toddler. The story behind it: My dad was stationed in Italy when I was younger and he brought me back a shirt that said "Bella Napoli." Naturally, I asked him what it meant and he told me, "Beautiful Naples" (Naples being a city in Italy). So the word "Bella" always stuck with me; it's a beautiful word, she's a beautiful girl, and so the nickname fits.
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| Please, oh, please can she stay innocent forever? (2010) |
The reason I mention Bella and her easiness of the eyes is because I have realized that I am going to have to deal with her and boys earlier in her life than I previously thought. I've always known that I am going to have many-a-battles with her when it comes to boys. However, I didn't think it would come as early as the tender age of 8! Granted, she has always been a likable girl and she's always had loads of friends so I didn't think anything of it when she began talking on the phone to her friends (boys and girls alike) in the evenings after school.
Many times they'd be checking their homework together or talking about what they were doing for the evening. I'd walk in her room every few minutes to put laundry away and she'd have Justin Beiber playing in the background, phone wedged between her ear and her shoulder, drawing a picture while chatting about random things like our cat meowing or how her brothers kept "bothering" her. So tonight she gets off the phone to eat and it rings less than five minutes after she ended the phone call. I answered. It was a little boy who we will call 'Billy' because I feel bad using his real name without his parents knowing. So Billy called and this little guy did not have proper phone etiquette what-so-ever, so I gave him a few tips (in a kid-friendly way) about what he should say when calling someone's house, he politely accepted the pointers and I told him that Ari would call him back when she finished eating. I hung up and think no more of it besides briefly contemplating holding a seminar for parents who allow their children to call (essentially) a stranger's home without teaching them how to go about doing it rather than just saying, "Aye! What's up?!"
Wrong answer, kid. Wrong answer.
I quickly scrapped the seminar idea and Ari said (with that 'I got a secret' smirk on her face), "Who was it?"
"Billy"
Still smirking, "Soooooo, did he say anythiiiiiiiiiing?"
"He wanted to talk to you, that's it. Why?"
"Oh, nothing. So he didn't tell you anything?"
"No. Should he have?"
"Ummmmm, no!" and she skipped off.
This may all sound innocent if you weren't a fly on the wall, but I know my child and she had a secret. Even if it was simply that he likes her or she likes him or they are 'boyfriend/girlfriend" that's still a bit nerve-wracking especially in this day and age where I've heard of 11 and 12 year olds having sex. I maintain an open dialog with her about things like this even at a young age and don't deter her having a 'boyfriend.' I've asked what a boyfriend is in her opinion and whatnot, and it seems innocent. I don't say, "No boyfriends 'til you're 30" blah blah blah because when she is dating someone in a few years and it's no longer "innocent" I want her to feel as though she can talk to me. At the same time I'm not going to be that mom who lets her 14 year old daughter have her boyfriend move in with us - hell to the nizz-O.
So what are ya'lls thoughts on this? Parents of older kids, do you have any pointers? Parents of younger ones have thoughts on how you'll handle this in the future? Do you think parents should hold their daughters and sons to the same standard or do you tend to worry less about boys and be more lenient with them because...well, they're boys!?
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| God she's a beauty One of her birthday pictures - 2 years old! Why do they have to grow up? (2004) |
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They have to grow up because the alternative is not so nice. I look at my daughter and she looks me back in my eyes. She no longer has that blind devotion for me. But I know she loves me. And I am so looking forward to seeing her grow up!
ReplyDeleteYour daughter is a mini version of you! Very beautiful!
That's my mentality so far also; we, as parents, have to accept the fact that kids are "growing up quicker" than they used to. It SUCKS! But we have to do accept it and work with it or we'll be in denial and have sneaky, buck-wild kids on our hands; Yikes!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks - she is a doll. ;)
Oddly enough giving kids structure, otherwise known as being in their business and not letting them do anything, is actually the thing that will make them love and respect you. With my oldest there was an incident where she had arranged a "double-date". She billed it to me as friends going to the movies. I got to her girlfriends house and asked that her Mom about who was dropping them off at the movies and pickign up etc (16 yr old girls). That is when I found out her daughter was dating a 19yr old that drives and it was his buddy that was set up with my daughter. Needless to say I got to be the meany that day. 1-Older boy, 2-driving their own car and 3-lied to me on the front end of the whole deal (of course I would have said no, but in a much nicer way). Of course I did offer to drop her at the theatre to meet them and later pick her up. THAT didn't fly!
ReplyDeleteThe baby stuff IS innocent. What really is necessary though is to set limits right away. basically there is never a time when the child, particularly at young Ari's age, should be able to determine her activities and relationships on her own. Sure she can pick her friends. She can also say she has a boyfriend. YOU though are in control of when she can visit, be visited, use the phone (or not) or anything else.
My daughter appreciates what I did at that time. Ari will understand. Don't fade because she says you are mean or anything else. She is not your best friend, she is your daughter. You are very accountable to your daughter. If you do these things in Love, then she will Love you all the more regardless of the mean looks or comments she makes at the time.
In Love,
Uncle Bill
PS I made my mistakes. You get to make yours too. I know in my heart you Love those little people more than anyone else alive. Also know that the right thing can be done for the wrong reasons in the wrong way. Structure and discipline IN LOVE is one thing, in anger or ... 1st Corinthians ch13 is a good read if you care to open a Bible. Known as the "Love" chapter. I do not beat people with the Bible, but I really like that chapter and recommend it.
B
(I fell asleep before I could finish this...lol...so without further adieu...)
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to add something about the boys issue. I celebrated my daughter's journey from a young girl into a teen with a true celebration, a name ceremony, and I bought a diamond ring for her to wear on her left hand as a symbol of her promise to value and respect herself. At first, she kept taking the ring off and losing it. I told her that the ring was symbol of herself and how she saw herself. I took her to a diamond store and showed her how serious they treat the value of diamond rings. They protect them. Her diamond has a birthmark that only she would know and it even symbolizes the transition more. Her entire life, I have called her a diamond. And I told her that diamonds come from rough black coal that is cut and polished. That's how I explained life and the experiences that she may encounter and how they will help her grow. Well after a little practice, she has kept that ring on and taken very good care of it. Of course, I told her that she is much more valuable than a diamond. And I told her that she doesn't need to get her value from another human being because she understands her value from her Moma.
So my daughter's nickname is DIAMOND. :)
(well I also call her boo boo...she hates that one...lol)
Oh, my darling;
ReplyDeleteyou are thoughtful, insightful and the perfect mom for your Ari;
it is wise to talk with others about these issues, and then...
Breathe, and trust what you know.
you will know what do..
you know now,
for even the most simple and most complicated of present and future experiences.
Breathe, and trust what you know....Breathe, and breathe again...again..again.....
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ReplyDeleteUncle Bill, I COMPLETELY agree with you and can relate to Christina's story :).
ReplyDeleteKimberley, I love the idea of the ceremony - sort of like a rite of passage. The promise ring is great also, I may just steal that idea from you :) And Diamond, what a pretty nickname - isn't it funny how nicknames come about and the stories behind them? Love it.
Madre - You know me so well...but then again you DID birth me. ;)
Thanks everyone for sharing! I truly appreciate it!