Bless the Blog

Apparently, down here in the south, (and I know everyone will argue with me that Florida is NOT the south, but ya'll know what I mean) anyhow, down here in the south I have learned that you can talk all the smack you want about people so long as you tag "Bless her heart" at the end of your shit-talkin'. 

I love it. It's the funniest unspoken concept ever. I hear the sweetest little old innocent ladies talking about everyone they know, airing out others' dirty laundry and then they purse their lips, shake their head slowly while saying ever-so-sweetly, "Bless her heart." And then...they're done. Next subject. 

You see, "Bless your heart" in the south is the equivalent of rollin' up your sleeves and haulin' off and sockin' someone in the jaw. It's a blow to the gut. It's a black-eye in disguise. It's a cat-fight sans the claws. I suppose it's passive aggressive. Regardless, it's hilarious to witness and even more fun to utilize. 

I find humor in it for obvious reasons, but I also love it because these same little old shit-slingin' ladies aren't whispering behind anyone's back - they don't hesitate to repeat what they said to the face of the person they are talking about. And I like that. I respect that.

So let me take a lesson from you all and say that you Southerns are something else; you're cookin is amazing but I don't know how ya'lls arteries aren't clogged by the time you're in elementary school. 

The heat here, coupled with the ridiculous humidity is no joke so I don't understand how people sit out on their porches or even in their Florida rooms without dying from a heat stroke.

Not everyone who says 'pop' instead of 'soda' is a "yankee."

Florida IS the south. If Alabama is considered the south and Mississippi is the south and Georgia is the south, then boys and girls, Florida is definitely the south. You see, 'south' is a direction and the southern-most state in CONUS is....(drumroll!!!.......) FLORIDA! 

The left lane is a PASSING lane, it's not there for you to cruise in. 

Not everyone in America can go to the beach everyday because not every state is surrounded by the Gulf and/or an ocean. 

New Mexico is not the same as Mexico.

Now I know why everyone has a screened porch in the south. And don't ask me to participate in outdoor activities at dusk because your flippin' mosquitoes will make a meal out of me and that will make me a very unhappy camper. 

And speaking of camping, how the hell do ya'll do it down here in the south? I mean, between the humidity, the mosquitoes and the rest of nasty southern nature I'm pretty sure I'd die. Literally. Unless you let me eat, sleep and play in a Winnebago; but then I guess some people wouldn't consider that camping. 

The Navy is not the only branch of the military - I understand ya'll are surrounded by water and everything, but there's more to the military than the Navy. 

It's not cute to see my zip code and ask, "Oh, so you live aboard NAS Pensacola?" No. I do not. I live "on" NAS Pensacola or even simply "on base." NAS Pensacola is not a ship I board everyday, it's a military installation. I don't know if this is cheesy Naval lingo or overzealous civilians making up corny phrases, but whichever one it is - stop it. Please and thank you.

Whew. See? Now I know why those little old ladies do it - it makes you feel so much better to get things off your chest. I have nothing against you Floridians - you all have a beautiful state - bless ya'lls hearts.