Baby, Baby

Drinking tea and watching the pup stare at the rain falling on the windows while the babe naps. And as I sit here going through photos to fill some empty frames in her room I can't help but get all sappy while reminiscing on my pregnancy with her. And then I think about having another one and I feel like a first-time mom all over again in that I find myself putting it off because I'm terrified I can't love another the way I love her and the big kids. I know it's silly, and I know the love will be there but I still find myself having that thought. Which is weird because I had that same worry when pregnant with my second but each pregnancy after that it never once was a worry of mine. And now, here the hubby and I are talking about when would be a good time to add one last baby to complete our family and I have all these first-time mom feelings despite being a seasoned parent. I guess I just can't imagine dividing my attention even further, just not at the age Av is currently at. 

Having such a big age gap between her and the big kids has proven more beneficial than not. And one of the huge benefits is me having learned from the past. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing because I'm a firm believer that every single thing/choice/experience brings you to where you currently are, and I'm currently in the best place I've ever been in life. But what I mean to say is through the big kids I've learned just how fleeting the years really are.  And everyone will tell you this; your parents, your co-workers, the older gentleman in the grocery check-out line and we all eventually learn it's so incredibly true. 

So I strive to appreciate and soak in as much of these kids as I can before they're packing their bags and heading off to university, which for E is in less than two years. And with Avery I just can't imagine having a newborn while she's still so young herself. 

This morning Avery slept until 8, I went to get her from her room after hearing her quietly say "Mom? Mom?" through the monitor. The house was quiet other than the light tapping of the rain on the windows because the morning hustle of backpacks, lunch boxes, breakfast, coffee, and school bus had came and went while she was still fast asleep up in her room. When she woke, I scooped her up and brought her into our bed and she nursed like she always does first thing when she wakes. She laid there between me and her daddy and she played with his hair and paused from nursing every minute or so to softly kiss Seth on his forehead. It's moments like that I don't want to miss due to running on four hours of sleep and in the other room soothing a newborn. Later in the morning, when we pulled ourselves out of bed she hurt her foot doing one of her typical daredevil moves and she immediately ran to me to be consoled (which for her is to nurse). So I dropped what I was doing and nursed her until she slid off my lap to go back to being mischievous. I couldn't imagine telling her to wait while i tended to a baby. 

I mean, I know it's silly. Whether a baby comes this year or five years from now I'll still have to deal with similar situations. But I just don't feel that desire right now. And you know what? That's okay.

All this to say, right when you think you have things figured out, life shows you that you have no idea! If you would've asked me a year ago I would've told you I wanted Av and our future babe to be as close in age as possible. And now I'm like, "we don't need to worry about a risk of twins until I'm over 35, right?!" 

Happy Thursday, friends. Go kiss your kiddos. Xx