Doing Our Best

Some days I complete and put away countless loads of laundry, crochet a scarf, make my own soap, run four miles, do my nails, and clean the floors thrice (true story). And other days I shove the baby's leftovers from lunch in my mouth as I attempt to unload the dishwasher with the littlest on my hip, deem dinner a "fend for yourself" event, and eventually make it into the shower at midnight just to realise I forgot to use soap whilst in said shower. It happens, folks. 

Avery absolutely hates napping and that greatly diminishes my productivity on days when she protests. Which is most days. And it probably doesn't help the situation that I co-sleep. Which, I don't mind and actually prefer, but during the day I'd like for her to be able to nap in her crib so I can get certain things done or have a few minutes alone.

So I began a little nap routine where we eat brunch, then wash up, then go to her room, and I read her a book, nurse her then put her in her crib. We're good up until the "put her in her crib" part. Girlfriend has none of it. She'll either just start playing or crying. I refuse to let her cry-it-out despite Seth being in the old school "let her cry" camp although he's never done it either (easier said than done, huh babe?). I just can't do it. Everything in me tells me it's wrong (wrong for me, no judgement on others) because it just doesn't feel right. And I guess that's nature's design working, right? We are born to have a certain physical and emotional response to our offspring crying. To react to it. To help them. To soothe them. And even big, tough, Seth questioned me when the other day I put her in her crib and she started to fuss but I needed to pee so I walked into our bathroom and he said, "Don't let her cry!" 

Whoa there big man! I thought you were in the cry it out camp! 

Apparently he talks a good game but when he actually hears her cry he quickly changes his mind. I reassured him that I was simply going pee so she cried for all of 60 seconds. But still. I felt awful.

All this to say, after trying to pat, lull, shh, sing Av to sleep for two and a half hours she finally fell asleep, two feet from her crib, in my arms, while I sat in the chair nursing her. 

And you know, when I was trying to get her to sleep alone I felt so bad for her. I'd pick her up and comfort her each time she fussed then put her back down then she'd fuss so I'd pick her back up and I felt so guilty that I wasn't just nursing her to sleep like I normally do. I imagined she was so confused and just wanted to feel safe and warm and able to nap which for her meant being with me. And when she finally fell asleep in my arms she was finally happy and so was I. I've always had an attachment parenting style but I think maybe because I have one that's almost in college I find myself even more extreme with it nowadays. I just know how fast time goes. I've lived it. I look at my 16 year old and think, "Dude. I just had you like a year ago." But no, in less than two years he'll be off to college. 

So when I don't get to shower until midnight and the laundry is piling up I try my best not to stress about it because I'm never gonna say, "Boy, I wish I would've spent less time with Avery and more time keeping my house spotless." Nope. Instead, one day I'm gonna miss that she's perpetually attached to my hip and wants snuggles all day long. Because one day she too is gonna be 16, and I can't get this time back. 

So to any fellow moms that find themselves in a similar situation, you're not alone. You're doing you're best. Follow your instincts rather than ignoring them. They're there for a reason. And know that you will never regret all this time you are spending with your littles. And for the moms that have no problem letting their littles cry it out, you're not alone either. You, too, are doing your best. And the same way I don't let anyone make me feel bad for parenting the way that feels right in my heart, you shouldn't either. We are all doing what works for us and our families. 

Now I've gotta go - it's nap time, and my baby needs me.