The Pounds Have.Not.Vanished

My water bottle leaked….IN MY PURSE! What does this have to do with me not losing the weight I gained over the last few months? Patience Grasshopper.

So, my water-logged purse was luckily just an inexpensive $30 find I snatched up at Target last summer, but still, MY WATER BOTTLE LEAKED IN MY PURSE! It wasn't until I felt a cold dampness on my left thigh that I realized something had gone horribly awry. So I did a half jog/half speed walk to the bathroom (imagine the woman you see power-walking on the side of the road pumping her five pound weights in the air, pure focus in her eyes, sweatband on her head…that was me, sans the sweatband). So I'm dripping a small, yet consistent, amount of water the whole way to the bathroom, and for some strange reason the first thought that popped in my mind was "How embarrassing! People are gonna think my water broke and I'm about to give birth" but then I realized that worry was completely irrational because I was in my size 3 shorts and fitted tank top so anyone who saw me knew I clearly was not pregnant or at least not her-water-just-broke-and-she's-about-to-give-birth pregnant! Although I'm sure a few of the broads on I Didn't Know I was Pregnant would argue with me that you don't have to look 9 months prego to be 9 months prego. Have you ever seen that show? I've watched only part of one episode because it's a bit hard to believe. I rolled my eyes the whole time and found myself yelling things at the TV like, "You didn't get your period for 9 months and feel fetal movement in your uterus BECAUSE YOU'RE PREGNANT!" Maybe if a woman were very large I could buy it, but there's been decent sized women on there that claim they never got a belly or anything at 9 months pregnant (and of course no one ever has pictures of themselves at 38 weeks so that we can decide if they truly didn't know they were pregnant or they were in complete denial. I'm leaning towards the latter if you couldn't tell).

I digress.

I swished my way to the bathroom, and I say 'swished' because by the time I realized what was going on, with each step the water literally went "swish, swoosh, swish, swoosh.'  So I made it to the bathroom just in time to deliver my healthy six pound baby and I just dumped the contents of my purse onto the counter. I took a pic with my phone and sent it to the hubby because I knew he'd get a kick out of me living up to my everything-that-can-go-wrong-will-go-wrong reputation. He replied to the pic with something along the lines of simply,  "Wow. You're a wreck." Love is never surprised by the disastrous things that happen to me - I think he's secretly entertained by my humorous misfortunes.

Looking at this picture now I am amused by the contents of my purse. Mind you, I was not at home, I was in a totally different state and had been in a hotel. I mention this because every woman knows that the contents of your purse change ever. so. slightly. when you are traveling. Hence, the wall cell phone charger - I threw it in my purse as I left our house that morning as an afterthought (it's the one thing I always forget to pack in my actual suitcase). And do you notice that I have an ENTIRE bag of Hershey's Kisses? And if I recall correctly they were almond (not quiet sure why I even mentioned that but it just rolled right off my fingertips so perhaps, somehow, I unconsciously feel it's an important detail to share). Why I had a whole bag of chocolate, only God knows. 

There are two headbands (the kind I wear when I workout) and I'm confused about why I even had those because I did not plan to work out the two days I was traveling. 

I have a cardigan - because I'm ALWAYS freezing and keep extras in my purses, bookbags, my car, Seth's truck, etc., just in case we go to a restaurant or store or somewhere that gives me those goosepimples baaaaaby! 

The hair clip, aviators and eye drops are a fairly standard find in one's purse - no? I'm also noticing a pen. And that paper that you see next to my Coach wristlet is a map of the hospital that I was in at the time this pic was taken. The huge hairbrush, again, is beyond me, typically I tote a small one around, leaving Big Bertha safely at home in my vanity drawer. And the mondo-sized container of Juicy Fruit just shows you how much I love gum (I chew gum so much that I forget I have it in my mouth - I was going through training where we were being treated as prisoners and let's just say that when my 'captor' realized I had gum in my mouth he had unmentionable tactics which convinced me to swallow it with the quickness…okay, I've said too much). Aaaand that looks like that's about rounds out the crazy contents of my purse.

I tried my darnedest to sop up the water in my purse with a slew of paper towels, it didn't really make a difference but at least I no longer swished when I walked. And I laid my purse on top of the AC unit when I got back to the hotel but it still wasn't totally dry by the time I headed back home that next afternoon.

I'm curious if anyone else has crazy stuff in their purse when they are on the road or even just everyday. I truly don't think I would've realized how silly some of the things I had were had I not snapped this picture and then looked back on it. I think every gal reading this should dump out their purse right now, snap a pic and look back on it in three or four months, then ask yourself what the hell were you thinking. 

I did decide (after revisiting the pic of my purse's contents) that the pounds I've gained over the last few months didn't just magically appear as I have tried to convince myself they did. Because I'm certain that toting around an entire bag of Hershey's Kisses has a little to do with it. And if you must know, I can still fit those size 3 shorts I was wearing prior to my mysterious fat accrual - they're just no longer flattering... and I have to twist and bend and pull and fight to get them on. If you really wanna get specific - they're TAPs (as my brother would call it) Tight.Ass.Pants. Sigh.

So here's to Hershey's Kisses and TAPs and random wall phone chargers in purses, oh, and to skinny bitches that can fit into size 3 shorts without having to do a little wiggle dance. 

Xo,

Lor