Keep Living, We Need You.

*NOTE: Sorry for any typos. I wrote this quick and didn't proofread it

First, I want to say forgive me. Forgive me for not being outright, fully open, detailed-oriented with the post I have chosen to write tonight. One reason is because this isn't just mine, it's my entire family's (immediate, extended)  and I want to keep their privacy intact about the issue to an extent if they so choose. But I choose to write because it's therapy to me. Always has been. Ever since I can remember. Writing, painting, playing piano, learning a new song on the guitar - these things soothe my soul. Tonight I write. Tonight I hope that by sharing a few things very few know I will help someone. In some way. Any way.

March has crept up on me quickly, as I'm sure it has the rest of my family that shared the same loss in March of last year. I can't believe a year has almost passed. A year has passed since I began writing to him, hoping he could hear the words in my head that I jotted on paper, or napkins, or typed hurriedly with my thumbs on my phone while standing in the middle of an aisle at the store. Essentially I made note of my words to him wherever and with whatever I had nearby when the urge overcame me. 

My birthday is in less than two weeks, but Seth and I celebrated it in February with a trip. And yesterday he asked what else I wanted for my birthday, which reminded me that my real birthday is coming and my birthday is the day my "Big Mac" wanted to end his life, not because of me, but that doesn't make the ache any less painful. Then tonight my little guy asked me at the dinner table, out of nowhere, "Mommy, why did Uncle hang himself." And as I tried my best to explain it, yet again, I was at a loss. A loss of words. Explanations. Reasonings. But what I wasn't at a loss for is what our the loss of "Uncle" has done for me. And what it has done for me is encourage me to find the beauty in the ugliest days. It has inspired me to tell anyone else that may be feeling low that  things get better. A bad day or week or month doesn't equal a bad life. You aren't alone. You are loved. You would be missed. You would break so many hearts and shatter so many lives if you chose to stop existing. You are here for a reason. And although that reason may be unknown to you you must fight through the pain to find what it is. You have to remind yourself that when negative things happen in your life they are happening either for you and to change the path you are on or for someone else and their path. We can each try our damnedest to make this life what we wish it to be for ourselves but when my life doesn't go my way, or I make a decision I think is best at the time and shit still hits the fan I remind myself, "this is for you. someway somehow. And if it's not for you it's for someone else. Maybe I'm the one getting the negative side of things but maybe my presence here in this country, town, city, at this time is helping to shape someone else's life the way way it should be."

I want anyone that has ever felt so low to understand what it does to the ones left behind.  I hope that by reading this someone out there chooses to keep living. Because we really do need you. I can promise you that.

It's almost been 12 months now since our family's loss. I'm a bit less angry now. I'm still upset with his decision at times, but now I mostly miss him and wish I could've helped him. I'm no longer sad all day everyday but there are moments in everyday where I'm sad, especially when I sit on the bench at my kitchen table after supper like I did tonight and hold my youngest as he grieves over his uncle, asking curious question after question, over a preventable situation. Again, it never felt right to share any of this until today, then it suddenly felt right. So I went for it. I hope my sharing my small slice of our family's story helps someone else. If it does, My Mack is surely at peace, once and for all. 

It's okay to ask for help. 1-800-273-TALK. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org