I woke up this morning to a babbling baby that needed a diaper change, but I hadn't brought any upstairs the night before, so the puppy and I headed to the laundry room to get some. Here's were the story gets good, as we were walking down there I happened upon the biggest spider I've ever seen in person. Just chillin'. Chillin' inside my home. On the curtains of the landing window. I almost threw up from the fear. Real talk, ya'll.
I froze, gasped, and stared in horror like the main character does in scary movies while the audience screams, "Run you idiot!" Well, eventually I ran... Straight to the cabinet to get my Raid All-Natural Organic Ant and Roach Killer. I looked at the wholesome bug spray in my hands, knowing the main ingredient was peppermint oil I figured I'd grab a shoe because...ya know, peppermint oil. And I wanted the spider to die and wasn't really getting the warm-fuzzies from this all-natural bullshit I was holding in one hand. I ran back up to the landing and unleashed a continuous stream of essential oils on this massive, disgusting creature. Essential oils, ya'll. Ess-en-tial oiiiiils. On a spider the size of my palm. Yeah. Dumb.
As soon as he felt the spray hit him, homeboy dropped to the floor and hauled ass. I may have screamed despite knowing 100% of my children were sleeping and would likely be scarred for life if they woke to my cries. Lucky for me and unluckily for the spider the attack occurred in an area of the house where there were no nooks and crannies for him to escape. He attempted to climb up the wall but he was losing his momentum. The oils were slowing him down. Shockingly. I couldn't imagine picking him up still alive so I raised the shoe I brought with the intentions to crush the life out of him, he must've sensed his impending death because he mustered enough strength to run again. I was having none of it so I wailed on him with the shoe until he was shrivelled and lifeless. I scooped him up with a paper towel and stepped on it again. For good measure. Then I flushed it down the toilet. I then briefly contemplated evacuating my children from our home and then burning down said house because where there's one spider there's a gajillion, right? But I figured a torched house wouldn't bode will with Seth. Instead I plopped down on the steps, breathless as if I just finished a fierce workout (I need one of those by the way). "Oh my god Sammy, momma almost died of a heart attack." I said to the dog and turned around to see what her reaction was to all the theatrics I'd just displayed for her over the last five minutes. But...no dog. I didn't have the energy to figure out where she was so I thought nothing of it and walked back upstairs to my happy baby. As I walked into our bedroom I see Sam curled up on her dogbed looking toward the door with concern like, did you kill it?!
Really Sam? You're supposed to protect me.
This is the second time her guard dog duties have failed me.
Moral of the story: natural remedies have their place. Spider killin ain't one of them. Peppermint Oil be damned.
Oh, and big scary spiders are apparently my German shepherds kryptonite.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment