What the Fuck is a Crunchy Mom?

“There’s a sale on Huggies, stock up! made me think of you,” she wrote. 

“Aww, thanks for thinking of me. No Huggies here though, we are cloth diapering.” I replied.

And this is how it all began; a nice gesture from a good friend that knows I love me some coupons stacked on sales. 

She continued with, "Wow, you driving a Prius now too?”

“Zip it, smartass.” I sent back.

The conversation went on for a good 45 minutes and eventually looped back around to mommy hood. Then the bitch wrote:

“You’re a good mom, you’re fun and hands on and you have that free spirit that makes you so great so I can see you being a crunchy mom no doubt.”

STOP. RIGHT. THERE. 

Besides wanting to draw edit marks all over that sentence I demanded to know,

“What the fuck is a crunchy mom?!”

I saw her dots glowing, indicating she was responding to the sass that was my question, but I had no patience for her tom foolery. So I took matters into my own hands and immediately googled it. Here’s a snippet of what Urban dictionary had to say:

They generally believe (for varying reasons) that there is something bad or less beneficial about buying mainstream products or doing other common activities in the mainstream way.

You might be a crunchy mom if you:

...bake all your own bread 

...make your own jam, jelly, pickles, applesauce, etc. 

...gave birth at home -- by CHOICE! (With a midwife, doula, or unassisted!) 

...prefer to teach your children yourself at home instead of letting the public or private schools do it for you. 

Seriously? That’s the only word that popped in my head after reading the definition of a “crunchy mom.” Seriously? Because you don't do the norm you're suddenly 'crunchy'?! Seriously.

I looked at the definition on a few other websites too, just to make sure Urban dictionary had their shit together and the consensus is...you're deemed 'crunchy' if you are more eco-friendly. That seemed to be the bottomline. Which is funny because the things I do that are considered crunchy, I don't do them for Save the Earth type reasons, call me an asshole but it's true. I have reasons behind every crunchy decision but I don't think a single one has to do with the ozone layer. I know, I know, I'm a bitch.

I will admit certain choices deemed as “crunchy” aren’t for everyone. And I’m guilty of some of them but I think most are. But dude, I’m so far behind these new terms for everything I feel like I need a 17 year old girl to follow me around all day to explain what certain words and phrases mean. “I’m trying to be hip!” That’s what I tell my kids when I use a new phrase I just learned. And of course my kids response with, “Mom, no one says ‘hip’.” 

My reply? “Well, then what do the cool kids say nowadays because *turns hat slightly sideways* Imma try to be dizzown wit dat coo’ clique talk *insert c-walk*.”

My children’s response to that nonsense? Shame and disappointment. Except for the little guy, he still has hope for me, he usually responds with a ten second lesson on what’s cool: “Almost mom, but you’re hat should be like this *fixes the way I’m wearing it*.” Then he gives me a peck on the lips, flashes his sweet smile, and hops off to do whatever elementary schoolers do with their free time, I think I might even notice him properly c-walking as he rounds the corner. 

So yeah, according to one of my best girlfriends I'm crunchy for the following reasons. 

I nursed Owen for 17 months. That’s not even the crunchiest part according to her. Here it is: I nursed him exclusively for 17 months, he never once drank from a bottle. Ever. 17 months of only getting “mommy milk” directly from mommy. Not that I intended for him to not drink from a bottle, its just how it happened. I didn’t want any “nipple confusion” (yes nonparents, that’s a thing) so I didn’t give him pacifiers or bottles for the first four weeks after he was born. Apparently that’s too long because when I did go to pump his first bottle, homeboy was having none of it. We spent a small fortune on bottles buying every brand we could find, but despite it being my milk in those bottles, my little dude was having none of it and would only take it straight from me. So for 17 months he was basically attached to my hip. And the only reason I weaned him was because I was leaving for a month long training so I essentially had no option. I cried. He cried. I guess that was a crunchy choice if we must label it.

More points to my girlfriends assertion that I’m crunchy?

I also had that kid drug free. I admit that is a little crunchy. But I’ve always been weird about medication. I don’t like to take it. It feels wrong. I don’t have the words to explain it but medicine just makes me nervous. I probably died in a past life from medication because I just can’t shake the strange feeling I have towards it. BUT! I definitely take medicine when I absolutely have to. I have a history of pre-term labor, so I take a needle in the ass every week to ensure my babies don’t arrive prematurely. That’s mainly when I take drugs, for life and death reasons. Not for headaches. So naturally I wanted to give birth drug free. And I did, but even if I had changed my mind and screamed, “GIVE ME THE DRUUUUUUGS!” amidst labor it wouldn’t have mattered because by the time I arrived at the hospital I was fully dilated and my little dude arrived in two pushes during one contraction, and less than 15 minutes after getting to the hospital. And then I asked if we could be discharged the next morning. Did I mention I hate hospitals? So yeah, crunchy, I guess.

Noncrunchy points need counted too. Because I said so.

I drive a crossover. 

I shave. 

I wash my hair. 

I do not have a garden, although I would like one and admire anyone that can keep a garden flourishing. 

I cloth diapering. Admittedly crunchy. 

I recycle. Crunch, crunch. But I kind of have to if I want to fit anything in these tiny european trash bins. So does that really count to her crunchy points?

I do*crunch* baby wear *crunch* but that kind of comes with the territory when your child won’t take a bottle and subsequently goes everywhere with you. 

I love me a good ribeye so you can cross vegan off the list.

We did homeschool for a hot minute. And my daughter is flirting with the idea of doing it again so if any of the kids ever wanted that, I’d be down, but it's not something I force on them unless we lived in the jungles of Africa and it was our only option. Slight Crunch.

I did co-sleep with my littlest but hope to not do so with this next one, although I’m not opposed to it so if it ends up happening ce la vie. Crunchy.

I researched placenta encapsulation a few months back and would totally be down if I were in the states and had a company readily available to do mine for me. But I’m not taking that shit home myself and doing anything with it. To me, it’s disgusting and fascinating all at the same time. Put it in a pill, I’m game. Any other method of consuming it, no thanks. Borderline crunch.

I’d never have a home birth if I could help it. 

And having babies in a pool? Fuck that noise. 

My kids have to read everyday. It's not an option. Crunch.

But they also use electronics.

I'm too lazy to look back up and read the crunch vs noncrunch to see which won out. My money is on non crunchiness, in the end, who really gives a shit? I know I sure don't, I jus' care 'bout tryna raise deez babies da best I can, son. *spins hat backwards and chucks up the dueces*